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7/23/2008 Today I can't even hate you for being able to do this as I work!So, it's like 25C today and we decide with Mark to sit by the pool cause it's nice and hot, to get some tan. And I'm writing to Iwona to say good morning and maybe make her a bit jealous. Oh, boy! What was I thinking?! It came and bit me right on the ass!! A few minutes later I walk by the pool with Mark's Nintendoi DS and the damn thing just slips out of my hand!! If that's not bad karma then I don't know what is!! We managed to fish it out of the pool but I doubt we'll ever see it's bright colours again! Snif!  Other than that the house-hunting started getting a bit old since all the houses I find are either for 6 people (last time I checked, I'm not a gypsy - no offence to the gympsies, I love them!) or they are meant for stupid millionaires that just want to rent a bad house and pay a fortune for no apparent reason!!! So, Dora's not happy about the house situation. Note to self: YOU'LL BE HOMELESS SOON!!! Self: NOTED! I hope you are all enjoying your summer holidays and I'll see most of you at my goodbye party. And I know Marcos, I'll try to write more often :P , hope you're well :)x 3/21/2008 Random Acts of KindnessHere I am again. It's been a while, eh? I've been on a long trip that changed a lot of things and brought me to the place I am now. A nice place. I've been redecorating my room the last few days. Lovely! I like it more even though it's not finished yet. Much more space. Getting rid off, of all the junk. Isn't that a nice feeling?! Ahhhhhhhh.... Like breathing again. I remember saying to Silvia just after the year changed.. 'Many things will change this year'. And they did and they do and they will. Does the pain change too? Really? What? It decreases? Cause I think it remains the same. Does someone that has lost someone or has been deceived, hurt less just because nowadays this is something ordinary? I don't believe so. 7 years en counting and the pain hasn't changed a drop. Does it ever? The man on the other side of the line with the familiar voice makes me happy. Always did. We are together now, even though there are 2,000 miles between us. I love him. And he loves me. He's been my friend, my flatmate, my father and now he's my partner in life. It couldn't be any different. Why can't we see what's in front of us in life though? Cause we've both been there this whole time but our lives made us too selfish to take a step back. It was about time.. 2/12/2008 VythosIn life we change. We move on. We grow up. We leave things behind in the name of a better life. We leave people behind. We never forget obviously. Most of the time we keep everything in the back of our head thought. But then again we never go back either (most of the time). For different reasons all of us. For me is more cause I feel like going backwards. Going back to something I left is like a step back in life. How stupid of me. I came to realize sometimes the only way to go forward is to go back. And it's amazing. Feeling that your future is in a piece of your past. It's been there the whole time and you've been in denial forever. And you'll think.. what a waste of time eh?! In a way, yes. In another, no. Memory is a bottomless pit. Them more you try to remember the more you do remember and it's endless. And sometimes it can leave you with an amazing feeling. The power of the human brain. And I only realized all this the last few days. And I'm writing it today cause after many many years I had lunch with a friend and then we fell asleep just talking about dreams and hopes. I haven't slept during the day in years. I haven't shared fears and dreams with a friend like that in years. Maybe since I was a child. Being in the place I usually am, in a different country and living the life I am, I make everyone proud here and eager to book their tickets to be there for my big days. But I'm missing so much that is so fucking important. That is going to change. And I say that with a smile. Success is excellent, no doubt! But hearing that my grandfather cried when they took my grandma to the hospital for heart surgery and seeing them after all these years together and seeing him care about her recovering after major heart surgery is something that any success in the world cannot replace. Who doesn't want that?! Peace & Love 2/9/2008 Extreme WaysSometimes in order to clear our head we need to change clothes, change the decoration in our home, change music, change places we hang out, go running but most of the times we need to change location. I do that. I like traveling and changing ground always works for me. It's like being in a different place makes me see things differently. In Greece at the moment. I usually regret coming home cause the past few years I live in a different country and that changed me a lot but I was surprised to realize not all that much at the end of the day. I was surprised to see I still got a bit of my old Greek self still in me. Greece is a country so much different than any other. The people are so much different. Even if they change clothes and fashion style and attitude, deep down the still got that 'Greek temperament'. They talk loud (like everyone around is deaf), the laugh so hard you think their chest is gonna explode and they don't stress much. Boy! I miss the last one! Every time I come back it feels like 'Oooops! Guys, slow down. You are bit too much for me now days'. But ain't so after a while. The atmosphere here is sooo carefree, like you are child again. But then... the family gets involved and they go like 'soo... when are YOU getting married?!' and you run looking for your return ticket again!!! I know it sounds like 'My Big Greek Fat Wedding' and so funny but believe me sometimes it's not!! Then you meet with friends you haven't seen for ages and the sentiment is still fucking there! It's so unbelievable.. I've met with people I haven't seen in maybe a decade and the feeling is still there. There's nothing more amazing than that. Shame is... I'm gonna leave again so... the feeling will stay where it was I guess until I decide to come back. Which in this case is in a few months. I visited my favorite places Athens and Thessaloniki and I saw a different face of these towns this time. Athens is extremely hectic. Thousands of cars and noise and moving around can be exhausting. Thessaloniki on the other hand is the other end. The air in the place can make you fall in love for no reason. Memories of late nights after work or partying like a decade ago all come back. Thessaloniki is a place with the kindest and most hospitable people in Greece, the best wine and traditional 'tavernakia' restaurants, beautiful buildings, caffes by the sea and amazing atmospheric nights. And now I guess you wonder.. then why the hell do I live on the other side of the planet?! Well, things change. Our lives changes. Our priorities change. I changed. I'm not the same person like I was 10 years ago. Back then 'our schedules were as wide open as our hearts'. Today we barely can find time to spend with the people who are so close to our hearts but we have barely seen them in the past decade. I could feel guilty for that but I won't. Things change. And if we want them to go back to what we loved, we have to change ourselves but not many people would do that. 'Just break the silence, cause I'm drifting away from you..' 1/20/2008 Aren't You As Much To Blame For This As I Am ?Today I watched 'The Illusionist'. Edward Norton was quite captivating and charming. Reflects a power and an image of man with principles and standards. An image long gone nowadays. But he seems to engage a lot in these kind of roles lately, like in 'The painted Veil'. I guess it has something to say about him, his character. During the movie he insists that 'Everything is an illusion. Everything is a trick'. But nobody pays attention. Same point in 'The prestige'. Christian Bale is asking, 'Are you looking close enough?'. Well most of the time we don't. We end up being dazzled by things that in reality, don't even shine. I think it's because we have the need to be dazzled. But then you'll say, 'who doesn't?'. Quite correct. But my point is, be dazzled by something that actually shines and not by some piece of garbage that the sun happened to shine upon. Cause the sun will eventually set and the piece of garbage will remain piece of garbage. And you will be left with nothing. Been there - Done that! Right?! The word 'illusion' in Greek translates 'ψευδαίσθηση' (pseudesthisi). Emerging from the combination of the two Greek words: 'ψευδής' (pseudis = pseudo) and 'αίσθηση' (esthisi = sense), translating all into pseudo-sense, false-sense. And literally meaning in Greek 'sense disorder, characterized by perception of fantasies without an external influence causing it'. So, I guess in the end it means, an image we create ourselves. That the perception we seem to have of things is not quite the actual one but the one we want it to be. Then how much of what we know is true and how much is an illusion?! Well, if we take as a principle that every story has two sides then one side is the reality and the other the illusion. And we could simply switch sides. But I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. That would be the easy way but like we all know some things are to be learnt the hard way. That's how we end up appreciating them. And here's where 'The painted Veil' comes in. Enjoy these movies and appreciate them for what they are, like all things in life, without trying to make them what you want them to be. Because at the end, everything is an illusion. 1/12/2008 NumbSo, sometimes things break. Like my red rubber band last night at the dinner. Glasses. And someone mentioned hearts too. They do break too. But is there anything we can do to fix all that breaking? Sometimes yes and some other times 'yes, but it takes longer'. And 'no' because sometimes what breaks the most is 'ourselves' and then how can you repair everything else if we are broken? Well, the thing is you try.... to see the forest and not the tree. And everybody else around you try to keep you sane and distracted so that when you actually lift your head again you'll see the forest. And you go through panic and loneliness and you miss that part of you that used to be your baseline to everything. Your friend, your partner, your lover. Your person. And you think.. 'how the hell did we get from there.. to HERE!'. And every morning the panic is the same and every morning you need to piece yourself together and deal with it one more day. And you get that feeling that the distance grows by the day. But the piece that you are missing is yourself. Cause you lost yourself and that's why things went south. I lost myself. And I lost my person. My friend. And it's really scary cause my whole life changed in the last 7 days. But I want to believe this is fixable. Cause when you care about someone so much things cannot change because of some words. And I care and I'm sure you do too. But we can only work this out together. I cannot do it alone. And thanks to all those friends who have been more 'there' than ever without even me asking and above all without them asking questions. Just being there. It's like they saw me falling and they all just like ghosts I guess, formed and invisible net to catch me. Bless! Colin, Splodge, Iwona, Silvia, Lily, Simon, Despina, Ella, Serdar, Lea, Leah, Alvaro, Aurelien, Sophie, Chryso, Elisa, Luna, Yoshi and so many more I'll have to add their names some time soon. 1/10/2008 RainOh! It's raining again. Another drunken night in Edinburgh, another rainy morning! It's really coming down out there and I got to run into the shower do hair, get dressed and then head to uni to fill in papers. Fuck! =/ And you know what I hate the most about the rain right now?! I got a new haircut but ...no point! Freaking humidity is ruining it for all of us! Same old! Normally I like the rain or at least I don't mind it compared to the wind. It was so refreshing listening to my hairdresser the other day saying 'I love the rain!' =). At some point we forgot to have fun with it and only care about how we look. Ironic. Like I mentioned though, drinks again last night with the boys and this was fun. Long time, no see. Lots to catch up and much more left for next time. Whenever that will be! 1/7/2008 MissSo, the year changed and we got so many decisions to make. And some of them really fucking hurt! But we make them. Is a way of self-preservation. I really hope that gets us somewhere better thought to pay back for the pain and the confusion. The past few days I had to make some really tough decisions and I still got one more to go and I'm kinda freaking out. Cause at some point you know you gotta leave some things behind if you want to move on but this really hurts. And the thing I miss most of what I decided to leave behind is that I miss my friend. Does it ever get any better???? And I started replacing every bit of what I left behind with something new but I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do and I'm not sure it's gonna work or if that's what I want for that matter. Parents and friends have raised alert and I'm trying to keep everybody sane =). I guess the people outside my head are getting more freaked out than me. 17 days encounting and I don't know from where to start packing.. Clothes? Books? Pictures? I suddenly realized I have a whole life here. One that I never realized or noticed. And then I had a thought 'maybe I thought I had a life here but now I don't anymore I guess' and there's no going back to this. I never go back to anything. I'm one of those people. Fuck! I wanted so much and I was given so much but apparently not enough to keep me here. Shame.. what a waste. What I want from you is empty your head We do what we need to be free And it leans on me like a rootless tree What I want from us is empty our minds We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times We go blind when we've needed to see And this leans on me, like a rootless... Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you And all we've been through I said leave it, leave it, leave it There's nothing in you And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good That you just let me out, let me out, let me out Of this hell when you're around What I want from this Is learn to let go No not of you Of all that's been told Killers re-invent and believe And this leans on me, like a rootless... Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you And all we've been through I said leave it, leave it, leave it There's nothing in you And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good That you just let me out, let me out, let me out Of this hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Of this hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out 12/21/2007 Smoke'So here I am in London town..'. What a flight that was! Couldn't be worse... Screaming children ALL OVER THE PLACE! JESUS! Thank God, I knocked myself out and woke up seconds before landing! Which was baaad btw. We literally HIT THE GROUND! Oh boy... and freezing out! 2C! And I thought only Edinburgh has that privilege! *laughs*. Oh! The Christmas shopping bonheur! I slept after weeks. Been lazy in bed for a few hours. Extremely rare lately. Shower and out in London town, baby! Did the usual shopping for the house and the ingredients for 'Melomakarona'. Typical Greek Christmas sweet/dessert whatever u wonna call it. And my most favorite! Mmmmmm... what' better that honey and cinnamon...! Paradise! Wondered around the centre and had fresh donuts with sugar and cinnamon and licked my fingers at the end too =D. Looked for a pair of red shoes - cause all little girls love their red shoes - but the ones i found didnt' have nice heels. And the heel matters!!! Then spent about 2 hours in Tesco and ended up chatting to a delightful girl from Devon that served me at the till. She was having a lond day and we are both having a lond year *laughs*. I'll probably see her again tomorrow cause one thing I know about 'my future hubby' is that cooking matters! Lucky me! *laughs*. After doing all this shopping though.. it took me something like.. 30 minutes to cover a 10 minute distance! lol! Made a nice dinner for myself cause Serdar is out on his work Christmas dinner and now I'm laying in bed watching tv and typing (obviously) accompanied by ciggys, red and chocolate! Paradise! Who needs more.. (?!). I can't believe I just wrote that. Eh... I can't get what I want so I settle with the red. Cheers! I know we've never been together (yet) but I miss you.. 12/18/2007 A Box Of CandyIt's Christmas time and times like that u realize when things have been a while and it's time to do something about it. Even if u know that u already lost before u even started. But there is so much one can have of a year. Everybody breaks up these days and the rate of suicide spikes around Christmas. And u go through the same stories in ur head a million times until u decide.. 'screw it! At the end of the day I cannot read peoples' minds!'. I got work to do but for the first time in a couple of months now i fell asleep in the afternoon! And I managed to sleep for a couple of hours! I think I'm getting sloooowly back into my normal 'sleeping schedule'. Credit given to the fact that I made up my mind and now I can sleep cause this time the decision is made. It's done. A box of candy will be our poison to make it less painful but only on the spot. Long-term.... we move, and change places, people, life and we'll find a way to deal. We will. Cause when u are too coward to choose the thing u want u end up with nothing thinking 'what did i do with the gifts i had? I let them go cause i was afraid to choose'. And as Paulo Coehlo wisely stated 'to stay an observer in life is to not having lived at all'. For You
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